Things I've learnt since birthing a human.

Spoiler alert: body fluids.

Here are some things I have learnt and observed so far:

People can’t wait to tell you how fast the time will go by.   

Enjoy every minute. It goes by in a flash.  

Well-meaning people pop out from behind trees and chase me down the street just to tell me this. But it’s the last thing that I want to hear when my baby has just freshly squished her way out of my vag and into my life. Please don’t tell me that if I blink she’ll be off to college because I will never blink again and that will hurt my eyes. 

I have a new name and it’s, Mama.   

No one calls me by my actual name anymore. They call me mama.

@nbcsnlbig dumb cups

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There is basically a whole section in Target dedicated to Mamas. Merchandise with the word Mama written in cursive. This makes me feel sad inside.

But also, I’m ok about the new name.

here is a picture of a duck, being all mama-y and stuff.

Wearing grownup diapers isn’t so bad?   

I got myself two perineal tears (cool), fractured the ol’ pelvis (cool cool), and now live with bladder incontinence (coooooool). As many birthing parents before me have learnt, emptying your bladder in aisle six at the grocery store is a whole vibe.  

Body fluids.  

From the same family of topics as the above, yet deserving of its own shout out: Body fluids. All of the kinds. Coming out everywhere. All of the time.   

Baby poo looks like a turmeric latte.  

I will never enjoy my golden mylk latte with oat in quite the same way. Or maybe I will because I think that my baby’s poop is glorious and I’m a somewhat middle-class white lady who loves the shit (lols) out of a golden mylk latte.  

baby poo? turmeric latte?

Childcare really is exorbitantly expeny.   

People with kids talk about this a lot. And now I’m a person with a kid so, please excuse me whilst I perch myself high on this soapbox for a moment.  

Childcare is mortgage level expensive and childcare workers are underpaid!  

Just for shits and gigs, let us revisit that moment in the Biden/Trump presidential debate, where instead of answering the question about childcare, those ding dongs argued about golf. GOLF. I laughed and cried at the same time.  

Having a kid is pretty great.  

I figured people were kind of lying when they said that having a kid was the best thing they’d ever done. I thought that parents must have to say that, even if, quite clearly, their kid was a huge arsehole. I don’t know if my child is an arsehole yet. It's too soon to tell. But I know I’ll still be down for parenting when she’s tweening hard and hates me. Therefore, I can confirm from the other side that you can think parenting is great even if it’s hard and your kid potentially sucks.

here is a soft lighting image of me trying to look like an internet trad wife. also, babes is wearing corduroy in the summer time. sorry babes.

That’s all for now.

Bye.