Beautiful. I’m slowly coming to this realisation myself. Raising good, kind, caring kids is important. I can do that while running myself into the ground but I’m starting to choose not to because it’s so un-fun and draining and makes me un-fun and crabby.
I feel guilty about the privilege that allows me to not work full time but I’m also realising how unproductive that really is too.
Also, hello neighbour, Kia ora from Aotearoa New Zealand
I'm a musician, and did a lot of touring way back when my kid was a tiny. He went with me, and learned a lot, like "I don't really ever need to tour as a musician," and "cars kind of suck." But I had to do it, because if I was less than Me, I was cheating him out of knowing Me, and he'd have to settle for me, and that would just not be okay. Now at 32 years of age, he knows Me about as well as anyone on earth, and is a gentle and caring soul. I have no regrets. Do what You do so your kids will know who You are. It's totally worth it.
Love this article and all the links, thank you. I do hope your situation is temporary, your mom sounds cool. Sending you wishes for balance and self-care too.
Wonderful piece, I love how you navigate your way boldly and nimbly around binary thinking, seeing the intersectionalities in life and using them to weave a meaningful one for yourself🥰🥰🥰.
Sending you all my best wishes for you and your mum from Sydney Australia.
I loved your insight and acknowledgement of the racial biases. Like you, I am re-framing my perspective on care, for others and myself. Best of luck and keep shining a light. I am like and I am sure many others when I say we are still trying to figure shit out
Beautiful piece my exceptionally talented niece! I’m gobsmacked to read you have low self esteem. Siiiigggh. And, thank you for taking on most of the caring for your mum. I truly appreciate it.
Caring for others is also good for us, because it brings out the best in us.
It's been interesting to watch the Albanese government push up wages for careworkers, despite howls of outrage from the conservative boys on the other side of politics.
Best wishes for your mother from here on the Sunshine Coast.
Beautifully written! Also navigating the complexity of caring responsibilities of a sick mother. There’s a dynamic that is constantly changing and often not understood by those around me. It’s something I don’t think I will fully understand till I have children of my own. Wishing the best for you and your family 🫶🏼
So beautiful, love this. So much of white Western society is about being in denial that care is what actually powers everything. We pay the people who do it peanuts, if we pay them at all. The societal discourse about caregiving focuses so much on the thankless drudgery of it...as if other types of work are less exhausting! We fear asking for it, so very much that many of us would rather die than receive help from our family and friends as we succumb to illness or dying. I would have honestly been honoured to care full-time alongside my stepdad for my mum (early-onset Alzheimer's) before she went into full-time care, even though I know she wouldn't have wanted that because she never wanted to be "a burden" to anyone. How could I ever see caring for the person I admired most in the world - or her own self that birthed me - as a burden?! But that's how we're socialized. And of course, I couldn't do it full time, because I have to work to make a living. My stepdad is retired and an angel, he never EVER begrudged me a single moment, and I helped when I could. But I wish I lived in a society that would pay me a stipend to be a caregiver, and when I needed help in the form of at-home nursing care, provided that free of charge. 😔Imagine that. People should not have to choose between caregiving and being able to make a living. I see so, SO many people, ESPECIALLY women and femmes and people-socialized-women, forced to choose. It's wrong. Without caregiving we DO NOT HAVE A SOCIETY.
thanks for digging into what is my favorite subject! 21st century feminism must be intersectional--and adequately value care! and also, you are doing wonderful beautiful brilliant things. <3
People want us to conform to an unnatural world with unnatural expectations and experiences that they try since birth to convince us are natural.
If you don’t fit the mold of a false reality they call you crazy or lost. I’m so happy I never gave in to the lie that is this life. The indoctrinated push the indoctrination on us because, like a drug addicted, they need those they are surrounded by to also have the same toxic traits. Otherwise they would have to question the life they lead, knowing in their soul it isnt natural.
Love is natural/ innate and the only thing we can truly know IS real/truth. Let the rest live their groundhogs day, materialistic, weak male dominated, detached false reality while we spread the energy that is the only thing holding us together. Love for ourselves, our families, our friends, strangers on the street and even those who call us enemies. That is the true winner mentality. The rest is just empty space.
So much food for thought in your essay. First of all, good that you pointed out how "white feminism" defines personal engulfment in terms of a successful career while leaving the caregiving work to underpaid or unpaid labor taken on by Black and Brown women. My mom, a Chinese immigrant, worked as a nanny for over a decade after coming to America. Her work was grueling and grossly underpaid (and to add insult, she was exploited by wealthier Chinese immigrants). There're so many layers in caregiving. In the U.S. (and many other countries as well), women of ethnic minorities are often the most exploited.
Looking back at my own experience, there was a period where I was lucky enough to have a light work load and I could work from home and take care of my ex husband at the same time. I felt that being a caring housewife was what I wanted to do, instead of just focusing on work. However, I did not have children because my ex (a narc) was a big man child. I think there's nothing wrong with wanting to be a stay at home mom, but in our patriarchal society, men are still not expected to share the burden of childcare, eldercare and things in the domestic domain. I think this is the biggest frustration faced by women. In my youth, I actually had wanted to have children, but seeing how imbalanced gender dynamics played out in my marriage, I thought it would kill my soul if I had to care for a child in addition to the man child.
I think it's commendable to think of caregiving as a privilege and a natural thing to do. It's part of our human kinship. However, it's a different matter to "feel" this way. I was brought up in a culture where children are considered "insurance" against parents' old age. It became my obligation and was banged into my head from day 1. You can ask other Chinese people, especially daughters, to check if it's true for them as well. My guess is it's true for most. If your parents happen to have a normal, loving bond with you, it may be easier to fulfil such obligations, which are also privileges. In my case, coming from a dysfunctional family, it is super hard not to feel a sense of resentment for the heavy responsibility slapped on me (and not my brother). In fact, I had been taking care of my parents since I was a little kid, as we were immigrants and they didn't speak the language. So I was given the role as the family translator, which was expanded to other areas (practical matters, bureaucracy, medical issues, etc. etc.), when I was still very young. While I never abdicated my responsibly to care for my parents when they had serious medical issues, it was really hard for me to feel any kind of fuzzy caring mood when fulfilling my "duty."
As a women of color, I thought I'd share some personal experiences that perhaps white women haven't imagined or experienced.
Oh wow- thank you SO much for sharing all of this!! Yes, totally different experience when it's an obligation... and I hadn't thought of that... so i really do appreciate the insight and new perspective- I really do thank you for sharing!!
It also makes me think that it's a totally different experience for grown children who were raised in abusive households.
And I'm so sorry for your shit head man child husband!! My friend Low (who has commented in this thread) says that care work is totally different when there is a cis man in the picture... remove the cis man and care work is radical... insert the man and it can become abusive.
Thank you so much for sharing about your mum's experience as a Nanny.
Again, I appreciate the time and effort that you have offered. Thank you Lily.
You're welcome, Sammy-Jo. Yes, the caregiving experience can present a million different shades depending on one's life situations, social economic and family backgrounds. I'm thankful that you're providing the platform for us to exchange experiences and support. I'll check out your friend's comment.
Beautiful. I’m slowly coming to this realisation myself. Raising good, kind, caring kids is important. I can do that while running myself into the ground but I’m starting to choose not to because it’s so un-fun and draining and makes me un-fun and crabby.
I feel guilty about the privilege that allows me to not work full time but I’m also realising how unproductive that really is too.
Also, hello neighbour, Kia ora from Aotearoa New Zealand
Hi Sonia/neighbour!!! I feel you on everything that you've said here! Thank you.
I'm a musician, and did a lot of touring way back when my kid was a tiny. He went with me, and learned a lot, like "I don't really ever need to tour as a musician," and "cars kind of suck." But I had to do it, because if I was less than Me, I was cheating him out of knowing Me, and he'd have to settle for me, and that would just not be okay. Now at 32 years of age, he knows Me about as well as anyone on earth, and is a gentle and caring soul. I have no regrets. Do what You do so your kids will know who You are. It's totally worth it.
Oh wow- thank you Alma! This is so beautiful!
Love this article and all the links, thank you. I do hope your situation is temporary, your mom sounds cool. Sending you wishes for balance and self-care too.
Thank you so much. And yes, my mum is really cool.
This is everything. Thanks for putting words to and giving me this new framework to think about caregiving.
Thank you for reading, Lauren!! And I would recommend the books that I mentioned too- those books have really helped me with my reframing of care! x
Wonderful piece, I love how you navigate your way boldly and nimbly around binary thinking, seeing the intersectionalities in life and using them to weave a meaningful one for yourself🥰🥰🥰.
Sending you all my best wishes for you and your mum from Sydney Australia.
Txx
Thank you so much Tess, I appreciate it.
Why do people love binary thinking?
It hems us, it stifles us, it boxes us in... we the carers and the carers of the carers.
Thank you for hope.
Thank you for articulated love.
And courage.
Thank you xx
Really needed this read today. Thank you.
Thanks Jane! I hope you're day is going ok.. xx
I loved your insight and acknowledgement of the racial biases. Like you, I am re-framing my perspective on care, for others and myself. Best of luck and keep shining a light. I am like and I am sure many others when I say we are still trying to figure shit out
Gosh- I sure am trying to figure it all out!! Thanks Tamara! I appreciate you. And I subscribed to your substack- looking forward to reading! x
I appreciate that! Thank you ☺️
Just launched my podcast and book club on Substack! Super excited that I was able to do so on here. Do check it out when you can
destigmadialogues.substack.com
Amazing!! I have subscribed x
Thank you ☺️ I hope you are entertained, inspired and enlightened. Welcome to the tribe 🙏🏽
Thank you for your insights. I love to read you.
Thank you, Nelly!!! x
Beautiful piece my exceptionally talented niece! I’m gobsmacked to read you have low self esteem. Siiiigggh. And, thank you for taking on most of the caring for your mum. I truly appreciate it.
Thanks Auntyyyyyyy xx
Caring for others is also good for us, because it brings out the best in us.
It's been interesting to watch the Albanese government push up wages for careworkers, despite howls of outrage from the conservative boys on the other side of politics.
Best wishes for your mother from here on the Sunshine Coast.
Thank you, Michael!! Go Aussie careworkers!!
Beautifully written! Also navigating the complexity of caring responsibilities of a sick mother. There’s a dynamic that is constantly changing and often not understood by those around me. It’s something I don’t think I will fully understand till I have children of my own. Wishing the best for you and your family 🫶🏼
Wishing the best for you too, Brooke!! xx
So beautiful, love this. So much of white Western society is about being in denial that care is what actually powers everything. We pay the people who do it peanuts, if we pay them at all. The societal discourse about caregiving focuses so much on the thankless drudgery of it...as if other types of work are less exhausting! We fear asking for it, so very much that many of us would rather die than receive help from our family and friends as we succumb to illness or dying. I would have honestly been honoured to care full-time alongside my stepdad for my mum (early-onset Alzheimer's) before she went into full-time care, even though I know she wouldn't have wanted that because she never wanted to be "a burden" to anyone. How could I ever see caring for the person I admired most in the world - or her own self that birthed me - as a burden?! But that's how we're socialized. And of course, I couldn't do it full time, because I have to work to make a living. My stepdad is retired and an angel, he never EVER begrudged me a single moment, and I helped when I could. But I wish I lived in a society that would pay me a stipend to be a caregiver, and when I needed help in the form of at-home nursing care, provided that free of charge. 😔Imagine that. People should not have to choose between caregiving and being able to make a living. I see so, SO many people, ESPECIALLY women and femmes and people-socialized-women, forced to choose. It's wrong. Without caregiving we DO NOT HAVE A SOCIETY.
Ooooooof Cal! So so true! THANK YOU for sharing!!!!
You're welcome - it was a great article!
thanks for digging into what is my favorite subject! 21st century feminism must be intersectional--and adequately value care! and also, you are doing wonderful beautiful brilliant things. <3
Thank you, Elissa!!! I appreciate you!!
♥️
Thanks love x
Love.
Thanks Frank!!
People want us to conform to an unnatural world with unnatural expectations and experiences that they try since birth to convince us are natural.
If you don’t fit the mold of a false reality they call you crazy or lost. I’m so happy I never gave in to the lie that is this life. The indoctrinated push the indoctrination on us because, like a drug addicted, they need those they are surrounded by to also have the same toxic traits. Otherwise they would have to question the life they lead, knowing in their soul it isnt natural.
Love is natural/ innate and the only thing we can truly know IS real/truth. Let the rest live their groundhogs day, materialistic, weak male dominated, detached false reality while we spread the energy that is the only thing holding us together. Love for ourselves, our families, our friends, strangers on the street and even those who call us enemies. That is the true winner mentality. The rest is just empty space.
Hi love... yes, there's nothing more important than love for friends and family, and everyone!!
So much food for thought in your essay. First of all, good that you pointed out how "white feminism" defines personal engulfment in terms of a successful career while leaving the caregiving work to underpaid or unpaid labor taken on by Black and Brown women. My mom, a Chinese immigrant, worked as a nanny for over a decade after coming to America. Her work was grueling and grossly underpaid (and to add insult, she was exploited by wealthier Chinese immigrants). There're so many layers in caregiving. In the U.S. (and many other countries as well), women of ethnic minorities are often the most exploited.
Looking back at my own experience, there was a period where I was lucky enough to have a light work load and I could work from home and take care of my ex husband at the same time. I felt that being a caring housewife was what I wanted to do, instead of just focusing on work. However, I did not have children because my ex (a narc) was a big man child. I think there's nothing wrong with wanting to be a stay at home mom, but in our patriarchal society, men are still not expected to share the burden of childcare, eldercare and things in the domestic domain. I think this is the biggest frustration faced by women. In my youth, I actually had wanted to have children, but seeing how imbalanced gender dynamics played out in my marriage, I thought it would kill my soul if I had to care for a child in addition to the man child.
I think it's commendable to think of caregiving as a privilege and a natural thing to do. It's part of our human kinship. However, it's a different matter to "feel" this way. I was brought up in a culture where children are considered "insurance" against parents' old age. It became my obligation and was banged into my head from day 1. You can ask other Chinese people, especially daughters, to check if it's true for them as well. My guess is it's true for most. If your parents happen to have a normal, loving bond with you, it may be easier to fulfil such obligations, which are also privileges. In my case, coming from a dysfunctional family, it is super hard not to feel a sense of resentment for the heavy responsibility slapped on me (and not my brother). In fact, I had been taking care of my parents since I was a little kid, as we were immigrants and they didn't speak the language. So I was given the role as the family translator, which was expanded to other areas (practical matters, bureaucracy, medical issues, etc. etc.), when I was still very young. While I never abdicated my responsibly to care for my parents when they had serious medical issues, it was really hard for me to feel any kind of fuzzy caring mood when fulfilling my "duty."
As a women of color, I thought I'd share some personal experiences that perhaps white women haven't imagined or experienced.
Oh wow- thank you SO much for sharing all of this!! Yes, totally different experience when it's an obligation... and I hadn't thought of that... so i really do appreciate the insight and new perspective- I really do thank you for sharing!!
It also makes me think that it's a totally different experience for grown children who were raised in abusive households.
And I'm so sorry for your shit head man child husband!! My friend Low (who has commented in this thread) says that care work is totally different when there is a cis man in the picture... remove the cis man and care work is radical... insert the man and it can become abusive.
Thank you so much for sharing about your mum's experience as a Nanny.
Again, I appreciate the time and effort that you have offered. Thank you Lily.
You're welcome, Sammy-Jo. Yes, the caregiving experience can present a million different shades depending on one's life situations, social economic and family backgrounds. I'm thankful that you're providing the platform for us to exchange experiences and support. I'll check out your friend's comment.